i hate death. i loathe death.
but i’m not familiar with it. the accident where my brother flirted with death, or perhaps less flirted and more violated death, was the closest i came to being there.
i also attended a funeral of a friend of Travis’, where i cried and cried, although i had no idea who the man was.
my close friend has gone through a lot yesterday, with her father and with her dog, and how she continues to be so strong bewilders me. i don’t think i’d be so strong.
especially when just the other day at a regular catan brunch, my friend Dana says, nonchalantly “I haven’t since you in a while so you probably don’t know this, but my mom has cancer. It’s skin cancer, and it’s quite bad.”
my hand shoots to my mouth, and then i grab her hand, and after a moment say i’m sorry. we talk for a bit, ask some questions, and slowly start playing.
then i start to cry. but they came from no where. I can’t be crying! Dana’s not crying, I can’t be the weak one! I’m a friend to support her!
I’ve met her mom on three visits to montreal. Dana is my best friend in Montreal, and so I’ve gotten quite close to her family when they’ve visited. The thought of her mom being so ill struck strings i didn’t know had been strung, when you cry without any indication that you’re going to cry. The last time tears came from no where is when I was reading “I’ll love you forever” the book by Robert Munch, where after two pages I was sobbing thinking of how homesick i actually was.
This weekend as it happens I’m going to Boston with Dana as her date to a very fancy wedding. I won’t cry there, and her whole family will be there. But how will I act towards her mom? Will I act normal, will I act so normal i’m strange as to not make a scene? or will everyone talk about it. i’m getting older, and so is everyone around me.
i don’t like when life gets this real.
