“am I wasting my time here, dancing?”
I ask my professor. Conversations between us are a bit…no one is really getting their point across.
She speaks Spanish. I speak English. We both try to speak french, but she has a better grasp on the language than I.
After a question about summer programs, I asked her this question. She told me no. Out of everyone in class, I have the lines, I have the body, I have the look. I will be a dancer, of this she had no doubt. She then talked of where I should aim to audition in the coming years.
okay, she’s tough. and she said this. I’m okay then. At least I have that thought to fall back on. But I’ve got a toe injury (after this dance thing I should become a foot physic, because I’m quite familiar with all the bones and what happens when a particular one hurts).
I’ve got a shoulder injury from from lifting girl with one hand. She moved in a strange way when she was up there and that pulled my shoulder out a bit. damn. No one handed lifts for a couple weeks. painful massage, painful, and physio instead.
But I want to be an engineer. I found the program for me, the type of engineer where I work with resources, recycling, water, air, compost. How I didn’t know of this type of engineer before, bioresource, is beyond me. My next year in montreal will be of taking courses for this, but part time, because dance comes first. Then again I kind of want a change, i mean I really want a change. I want to spend all my savings and live in new york for a year. If I’m going to do it, let’s do it.
And love. It’s not really for me. But I’m liking it. He said the I love you before me, and after realizing how amazing he is, the je t’aime came from me. Since then it’s exchanged before bed, at dance, at coffee, always. Sometimes I can’t keep from looking at him and smiling, wanting to hold him and love him and kiss him everywhere. Other times I can’t stand him, I need him to be as far away from me as possible, and then I realize he talks to much, that I find him annoying. Then the next day I’m head over heels. So love isn’t for me.
anyways, I meet his parents in two weeks. en francais.
This summer he’ll be in europe, I’ll be in north america, then when he’s back in montreal I’ll be in maui. I first thought, oh yeah, we should open up our relationship, and then I realized a) I hate that, b) i can never find sex when i want to anyways. So, stupid idea, just a reflex i guess. Because then if he were to cheat on me while in europe, it wouldn’t have that title. but then again, it would probably have the same connotation for me.
My tutoring student didn’t show up. this is his second time not showing up. so he’ll be cut. But I need less free time. I need less time to think. Or more time to think about things that matter.
What matters. My friends. Calgary. Family. That’s what matters. I want to go home and be with my friends and drink at go somewhere familiar and do familiar things and feel like nothings changed although so much is changed.
